Grit

I've been watching, and yes, rewatching a boot camp reality tv show. It is inspiring television, let me tell you! The recruits were forced to do a five-kilometer hike carrying a 180-kilo log. When they had reached their destination, the drill sergeant said, simply, "Do it again."

The camera crew asked one recruit if he thought it was unfair. "This is life," he said without malice; even with humor, he said that. His forehead sweaty, a rye laugh: this is life. I love that.

I don't often think I have a lot of grit. I can give up pretty easily. Even if I don't give up, I am prone to complaining.

But here are two times when I didn't give up recently, because I was thinking about how much stamina and humor the recruits on this show had.

1. When I was doing a really challenging section of workout, I kept going. Burpee-pushup-box-jumps. It's a real thing.

2. When I had to pay our internet bill, and tried no fewer than eight ATMs.

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Here is where I catch myself. If I truly had grit, perhaps I would not go on to tell you the particulars of the inconvenience this entailed. But you cannot possibly grasp the difficulty of the situation unless I explain. Someone with grit may not need you to grasp the situation. But I do need you to understand, if I can make it happen at all.

Here goes.

We had not received an internet bill for at least two months. The reminders I had placed on my phone were not enough for me, and the internet was shut off as of yesterday evening. I boarded the bus headed toward the city immediately after work, and made a beeline for the Maroc Telecom where one pays for internet. This is distinct from the Maroc Telecom where one buys internet.

I had no Moroccan money, only US money, and needed to find an ATM where I could withdraw dirhams using my US bank card.

I walked from ATM to ATM looking for a working, international-friendly one. After covering two kilometers in walking, I managed to get 400 dirhams, plenty to cover the bill, from a BMCE kiosk. Ah, but pause! I had recently heard you could pay your bill at a Telecom kiosk nearby! This I attempted to do with my US card. No luck. I went inside. I'm sorry, no, we don't accept payment here, that one is 600 meters down the street.

Briskly walking back four blocks to the Maroc Telecom where we pay, the agent there told me we in fact now owed two months of internet, not one.

"OH!? Could I see those bills, please?"

"We don't give print-outs here. That one is 600 meters down the street."

"Forget it." Still, quite the pickle, considering my limited cash. We tried my American card, no way. I needed more cash.

"When do you close?"

"In 15 minutes."

"I will return!"

And I did. And I paid it.

If I had not been watching Special Forces: Ultimate Hell Week on repeat for the last two weeks, would I have had the determination to try two Credit Du Maroc, two Banque Populaire, one Societe Generale, one BMCE, and three Attijariwafa ATMs in my attempts to pay the Hydra-headed bill? I doubt it.

Three Years' Worth of Valentine's Day Posts

Valentine's Day 2016

I received a Valentine's card from Johnny D. at work. He has Down's Syndrome, and doesn't read. He chose the card especially for me, though... It reads, "You're still the reason I can't wait to get home each day."

I bought chocolate-covered strawberries to share with the Bible quiz team, but forgot to bring them to practice. I ended up eating them with roommates.

In the car on Saturday, Charlene gave me one of her silk roses, sharing her gift from another friend.

My aunt and uncle gave me and my cousins beautiful flowers. Uncle Ralph made a special trip to my cousin's house to drop them off, and I got them when I went to cousin lunch. What a delight!

It is bothering me that I did not give anything thematic this weekend. I barely got places on time. I enjoyed the fruit of others' labor, and ate well and drove a lot, and hope it was helpful. But I didn't think far enough ahead to write a note or buy a gift. The one thing I did buy, I forgot to give, and ended up eating myself. (I am so serious: I just finished the last strawberry.)

Valentine's Day 2017

I was a million miles away from everyone I love. It was chilly and rainy this week. I went to French class at the end of the day, and home afterward, and probably did an hour's worth of work and watched a show on Netflix before getting ready for bed.

Did love cross my mind? Maybe in that self-pitying way that asks, "where is the love owed me?" But I can't remember.

Valentine's Day 2018 

I participated in nine parent-teacher conferences for at-risk students. I spoke very little in these meetings. At some, there were 14 adults, including parents, teachers, administrators, all sitting with a student to say, "We care about you. We see you're failing. What is going on?"

I stayed on campus to attend the school play, and to discourage disruptive behavior in the audience. Then I struggled to keep my eyes open long enough to get ready for bed.

I was tired, but happy to find at the end of the day that some of what I had done was loving. 

"Merlin" Is My Personal Favorite

I don't teach spelling. And it doesn't lower my students' hand-written essay grades if they mess up with spelling, as long as it's understandable. As I read their essays (many of them very thoughtful!) on The Great Gatsby, I found a surprising variety for ways of spelling "Myrtle."

Martyle
Merlin
Mertal
Mertil
Mertin
Merytial
Merytile
Mrytle
Myrle
Myrtile
Myrttle
Mytle

Year's End Reflections, 2017

Where were you on NYE 2017?

-Oncle Blend restaurant, Casablanca

Who were you with on NYE 2017?
-Stacey, Shanti, Mandy, Llewelyn, and their two sweet friends

What was the hardest you laughed in 2017?
-H period, grade 7... Fidu got stuck under some desks, and his face was the strangest mixture of terror and surprise. I laugh until I pee just retelling it!

What was the best moment of 2017?
-sitting on the front steps, held close, holding Scrappy the cat, looking up at the moon and the minaret.

What was an embarrassing moment of 2017?
-It had to do with an Uber, and a bunch of taxi drivers calling the police, and my cousins seeing me lose my mind.

What day in 2017 would you live over and over?
-There were so many beautiful trips, people, and days this year. It was a charmed year. I would re-live a trip to the zoo in Chicago, an evening in Prague, an afternoon on the dunes of Merzouga... But whole days that I remember:

-Stacey, Carolyn C., Sandy, and Marcia and I explored Paris for a day. Sandy had the map, and knew what was going on. I stared wide-eyed, feet only occasionally touching the ground. 

-Carmen and I visited Rabat together this fall, and start to finish, it was so relaxing. We let our feet take us wherever there was movement: the casbah and the medina, an art museum, the mausoleum and the Tour Hassan II. We let our talk be whatever we thought of, and we thought of many interesting things.

What was your favorite song of 2017?
-"Ashes and Flames" by John Mark McMillan

What was your favorite movie/show of 2017?
-The Great British Bake-Off

-Brooklyn 99

Most memorable trip of 2017?

-The top moment of the many trips was when my aunt and cousins came here, and we traveled an hour to the south of Casa. A sweet dog led us from our riad to a stony shore (not a typo; a dog led us there: magical, right?) where we watched the sun set from the eastern side of the Atlantic.

What was your biggest lesson of 2017?
-Love is a good risk. You can love.

Who was the most influential person in your year?
-Tyler

What was the bravest thing you did in 2017?
-I didn't make plans for winter break: three weeks to find solid ground, mostly alone.

What was the kindest thing you did in 2017?
-Probably one of those moments when I told the truth in order to benefit someone else, even though it cost me something to do it. I have no particular moment in mind, I just think that's a kind thing we can do for each other, out of earnest love and compassion.

What was the best advice you gave, or the best conversation you had in 2017?
-Two eleventh-grade girls stayed after school for help on their essays this fall. That conversation was a prize to me. They were such a delight to see outside of the classroom pressure and on their own terms.

In Review

Such a blurry, final video call—

the clatter of dishes and patrons around you—

your face looks so disappointed to see just me, the same me,

after all.

Where You Lost Me

I pass you walking on Stadium Street.
Your holler dehumanizes you to me,
Me to you,
And I wonder what you would do

If I turned around and took you seriously:

"You don't want a girl like me, who'd expect equality. What would you do with that independent streak? We'd end up broken down and angry when I'd expect you to help; expect honesty. And you'll lose me when you demean some lady on the street. Do you see where you lost me?

"How are there so damn many of you?
Who do you go home to?"

Scenes from H Period

On Thursday, students in my last class of the day were begging me to "do the dance you do! Do the dance! It's like this!" They did some strange version of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" march. I was dumbfounded.

"I don't dance in class! That would be so inappropriate!"

Thursday night, as I was explaining something to my roommate, with growing animation, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window and saw the dance. I dance to make a point. I apologized to those seventh-graders on Friday, partly for not owning up to dancing, partly for acting unprofessional by my very own definition. I said I could in no way guarantee that a relapse would not occur.

I laugh and laugh in that class. I try so hard to be serious, even giving detentions and subtracting points. It's probably unfair, when I cannot seem to keep myself under control.

Friday, I sat down at a desk during silent reading. The student next to me, I mean it, just his breathing made me laugh and I had to move.

During silent reading, with some regularity, I look up to find Adam doing something other than reading. I fix my glare on him. He shoots back a funny glare, and I realize I'm disarmed. I almost laugh and disrupt the class myself.

Adam: 1

McKalips: 0