How to Get Over a Crush (And Lose Your Soul)

1. Fixate on the bad instead of the good.

• Think about one word to apply to this person, the worst thing you know about them, and repeat it to yourself like a mantra when you start to slip. Any trait that is negative will do: awkward, judgmental, poorly-dressed, oblivious.
• Think about the annoying things they do. 
• Think about the worst time(s) you've had together. 
• Go so far as to think about your crush's undesirable family members: who needs them around? 

The danger in all of this is that you begin to play tug-of-war with your thoughts, because this person is objectively good, probably; and thinking on bad times together might tempt you to think of the good times; and there's the chance that the crush's family is actually really nice. Don't let your sense of justice interfere: are you here to be just, or to get over the crush? Okay, then, because, when the truth fails you...

2. Make stuff up.

Create a false memory, and think about it until it's real in your mind. Let yourself completely believe that your once-hopeful significant other is a terrible jerk who would kick puppies and mislead the elderly. Let it rankle inside you and fester until the mere thought of the other evokes a sour taste on your tongue, and you despise the mention of their name.

"But, I don't understand. Why can't I just feel nothing?" you ask. 

You poor, sad little baby. You have to feel something. You're in kind-of love with this person. They've gotten to you. They've touched your heart—they can't untouch it. If I could feel anything except rage right now, I'd say sorry, it's a tough break. You don't get to choose indifference at this point: only to love or to hate. I'm telling you, if you don't want to love them, better get started on growing that hatred. It works. I'm not saying you'll be okay. But it works.

"But what if I don't want to lose my soul?" you ask.

I might be able to help you, if certain criteria are met: you and the other person are:

• alive
• eligible
• within conversational possibility

This route is the hardest of all, because it takes the most work, the most courage...

here it is:

the secret that shouldn't be a secret:

You can get to know the person.

Just act like you're... you. Don't be exciting; be a person. Take an interest in the other, and see what happens. I'm telling you: it's the worst. You're definitely going to overthink it. Find your zen place, and stick it out. Don't be too careful to avoid deep subjects, either. Just let those happen, too.

Here we come to the worst part: you have no idea what will happen to you. There are a few obvious options, like you could realize you don't really get along with that person; or you could make a genuine friend. But a million other possibilities await you, too.

The difference between having an actual relationship with a person versus having a crush is that one involves the other person. Relationships are risky, but rewarding. Having a crush avoids both risk and reward.

More Scenes From Single Life

Scene 1, March:
I was washing dishes and singing, "How Deep the Father's Love For Us."

When I got to the line about "the Father turns his face away," Carmen, who had been mopping in the other room, shouted, "That's pretty terrible atonement theology!"

Scene 2, April:
I had plans to stay at home and create a budget, then practice piano, for a job well done. Or, maybe skip the budget bit altogether, actually. Or, maybe go buy some shoes, which was more urgent than it sounds. Then Leah came home and started bringing tissue paper downstairs, and filling up the dining room table with edible things. "Hey, Carolyn! Are you staying for wedding craft night?"

"Sure, but only for a half hour."

Two hours later, I went on a 20-minute shoe mission, loathe to leave a dining room full of wine, good stories, scissors, glue, and bits of paper and wire. (Who am I kidding? I hate crafts. But I love people.) When I returned, Leah was modelling dresses she had purchased for the occasion, and asking for us to pick our top two, so she could return the rest. We convinced her to keep four.

A Texting Conversation, September:
Bethany: Do you know what's on the grocery list?
Carolyn: I think it was just curry powder, which is obviously not a good representation of our actual life situation regarding food.
Bethany: Don't worry! I bought a watermelon!

A Breakfast Conversation, October:
Bethany: Whoa. That's a lot of chocolate chips for 7 am.
Carolyn: grunt
Bethany: Not judging. Just commenting.

Best of the QuoteDoc (3-Year Edition!)

Insights

“American food isn’t something you need to explain: just put cheese on top, and then eat it… with your hands.” -Vy (2014)

“There’s one thing I need to point out: I said your voice is ‘lovely.’ Did I say it was good?” -Gao (2013)

“Facebook...yeah, I give it 2 months tops before it’s completely dead.” -D’Angelo (2012)

“This looks like a condom package. But it’s actually a love movie.” -Jeffrey (2012)

[In a sing-songy voice] “An apple a day, don’t need to see a doctor!” -Vy (2013)

“Sounds Spanish for ‘I’m pissed.’” -Ben B. (2012)

“The difference between democracy and Communism is that in democracy, you have a cow, and the government takes a percent of milk. In Communism, you have a cow, and the government takes it, and puts you in jail.” -Ivan (2014)

Carolyn: Is there anything you don’t get tired of hearing, Chad?

Chadwick: Yes. “See ya later.” (2012)

“[Chad and I] don’t talk; we just parent.” -Monica (2011)

Carolyn: How unethical is it to use a toaster I confiscated?

Ben B.: It’s called "recycling." (2011)

Exclamations

“F*** my English!” -Song (2012)

Song: Carolyn, Ben died.

Carolyn: What!?

Song: Ben died... B-A-N-D-A-I-D!  (2012)

“You can ask me, I’m a narrative speaker.” -Andy X. (2012)

Vy: Frank, you are dressed like half Ben, half Luis!

Gao: That’s a mixture of disasters. (2014)

“Aww, you would look cute if you had cancer”- Yokabed to Vy, who was wearing a nylon stocking on her head. (2014)

“Hey, don’t be so gaycist” -Vy (2013)

“You have a Moomoo and a Nono. And now a Queenie? Someone has to tell them that these aren’t names. I won’t do it: I won’t say ‘would Queenie please report to the office?’” -Rachel D. (2012)

Could You Repeat the Question?

Adviser: How do you feel, Steven?

Steven: I feel myself. (2012)

Adviser: Frank, in New York, did anyone steal anything from you?

Frank: My father. (2013)

Adviser: Johnny, who are you living with now?

Johnny: My backpack. (2013)

Written:

Andy’s “sickness” was that he “couldn’t move” because his skin hurt when it was touched.  This happened because he took a shower last night, and the window was open.  It “takes a long time” to dry off, and the wind blew on him the whole time.  Ben said that he needed to take care of himself and close the window, but he insisted that he couldn’t do that because it was a was a public area and people would say he was a bad person. -Incident report by Ben H. (2013)

The joy of a misunderstood idiom:

Carolyn: Lachelle, remember that student that tried to hit on us?

Vy: Oh I do that all the time to you guys. (2014)

To lie together vs. to lie together:

(Carolyn to Ben H.) “That’s what our job is, to lie together.” (2014)

Worst-case scenario:

“The first thing we do if there’s a meningitis outbreak is hire a documentary film crew.” -Chad (2011)

A Survey For Early March

The fact that this interviewer asks about hickeys and milk preference as if they were important is... well, hard to take seriously. So, for fun, because I saw the tiniest bud of a tulip in my window today, a survey for early March.

1.) What curse word do you use the most?
Dammit.

2.) Do you own an iPod?
No. I don't. I'm one of a surprisingly large number of people in this category, I'm finding.

3.) Who on your Myspace “Top 8″ do you talk to the most?
Stop it.

4.) What time is your alarm clock set for?
7:30 am... And I'll reset it several times, no doubt, in order to wake up at the last minute.

5.) What color is your room?
It's, like, devoid of color. White walls, no curtains, just white blinds and a cream carpet.

6.) Flip flops or sneakers?
Sneakers. It's endless wintertime. Get a life, survey.

7.) Would you rather take the picture or be in the picture?
I'd rather be in it, and not just because I'm totally obsessed with myself, but because I don't like taking pictures very much.

8.) What was the last movie you watched?
Part of Argo in the residence hall's open lounge, but it was interrupted by a fire in the microwave. It turns out, you can't put two pieces of dry bread on a plastic lid for two minutes on high. Now we all know.

9.) Do any of your friends have children?
So many! This survey is probably meant for 15-year-olds.

10.) Has anyone ever called you lazy?
No. That would have been a sore spot for years, I'm sure.

11.) Do you ever take medication to help you fall asleep faster?
No. I'm blessed to be able to fall asleep almost at will.

12.) What CD is currently in your CD player?
Switchfoot's Vice Verses is in my car.

13.) Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk?
Regular. With cereal.

14.) Has anyone told you a secret this week?
I'm sure someone has but I'm unaware of its being a secret.

15.) Have you ever given someone a hickey?
No.

16.) Who was the last person to call you?
My mom. I texted her, though, and was like, "Hey, call me." So maybe that doesn't count.

17.) Do you think people talk about you behind your back?
I know they do. I'm a teacher. Comes with the territory.

18.) Did you watch cartoons as a child?
All the time! Bugs Bunny was my hero for a long time.

19.) How many siblings do you have?
1 brother, 5 stepsisters

20.) Are you shy around the opposite sex?
Inwardly. I try not to let it show. I do a good job with it.

21.) What movie do you know every line to?
The Muppet Christmas Carol

22.) Do you own any band t-shirts?
Switchfoot... again.

23.) What is your favorite salad dressing?
Balsamic vinaigrette

24.) Do you read for fun?
Yes.

25.) Do you cry alot?
I know what the question is getting at, and the answer is no. But check this out:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/04/alot-is-better-than-you-at-everything.html

26.) Have you ever farted in public?
Definitely.

27.) Do you have a desktop computer or a laptop?
Laptop, carved out of stone.

28.) Are you currently wanting any piercings or tattoo?
I have plans for a nose piercing.

29.) What is the weather like?
Cold. Brightening. Hopefully I've seen the last snow for 100 years.

30.) Would you ever date someone covered in tattoos?
Sure thing!

31.) Is sex before marriage wrong?
I advocate abstinence until marriage for lots of reasons. Ask me about 'em.

32.) When was the last time you slept on the floor?
A month ago?

33.) How many hours of sleep do you need to function?
I have a sleep debt that outweighs my student loans, so that's pretty serious. 6-7 hours are a normal day. 8 hours are perky. Less than 6 hours mean that I will be taking a nap right after school and before residence hall duties.

34.) Are you in love or lust?
Neither.

35.) Are your days full and fast-paced?
Yes. Quite.

36.) Do you pay attention to calories on the back of packages?
Not usually calories as much as sugars, fats, and proteins.

37.) How old will you be turning on your next birthday?
26

38.) Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
Yes. But nowadays I'm paid to be so.

39.) Have you ever been to Six Flags?
Yes. What the heck?

40.) Do you get along better with the same or opposite sex?
I like people.

41.) Do you like Cottage Cheese?
I'm glad you asked: no. I hate the stuff.

42.) Do you sleep on your side, tummy, or back?
All of those.

43.) Have you ever bid for something on eBay?
Yes.

44.) Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Yes. But I don't need them every second.

45) What song did you last sing out loud?
"The Kingdom of God" from the Taizé community

46) What is your favorite TV show?
Parks and Recreation

47) Which celebrity dead or alive would you want to have lunch with?
All I can think about now is having lunch with a dead person. I can't get past how unappetizing that is.

48) Last time you had butterflies in your stomach?
A few days ago. Don't pry.

49) What one thing do you wish you had?
A level head.

50) Favorite Lyrics?
"I wanna see the earth start shaking, I wanna see a generation finally waking up inside!" -Switchfoot, "Where I Belong" I get chills every time I hear it. It's the prayer of my heart.

From CarolynBot

These are from a robot that uses language logarithms on Facebook to compile possible updates from me. Here's what CarolynBot has been up to.

CarolynBot makes plans:

"It's so sweet! May we see naked people that is kind words."

"Official end of winter. I am with booksturnedmovies, and caring!"

"I kinda wish I will be strengthened by fainting goats."

"Go hug time yet?"

"Every time I see this book fad. Shamelessly in."
"Black Rock is on my wedding."
"Sorry, no texting today."
"Preparing to clap."
"Yo me voy de los arboles, las alas de la U ahorita!!"
"I will rubric the living daylights out of my head for a wonderful birthday."
"I'ma comin' in a pretty little surrey with the economy and everything."

CarolynBot gives compliments:

"King Alfred the Great, you a great semester."

"Props, kudos, etc.!"

"We're all awesome."

"SUCH a pentillion people who is patient and amazing, and Jacob and Joella..."

"500 friends is a sweet bundle of cute."

"I love you right now."
"One episode of your monkey jokes online! Very nice."

CarolynBot confronts you with orders and the facts:

"We had all decided that was out of line."

"Study hall monitoring = fastest way to justify pushing you over."

"A termite went into obscurity."

"Go hug yo me"

"I kinda wish I could be your Mom."

"Shoot, I took Eric's advice."

"What Liz, come to be obnoxious?"

"Doctor Who, an ISFJ, but thanks for existing."

"This was the kind of weekend when you can't hide."
"Rebecca is why I'm not going to be strengthened by grace."
"I will be let down, as seen here."
"no, no. You get murdered in the mind."
"Radius = exactly the length of killing poetry."

CarolynBot scares us all to death:

"Beware, dark alleys!"

"Beware, dark shadows at all!"

"Shawn McDonald + George MacDonald = Satan's minions."

"was enchanted by scary people doing scary things. And nutritious."

"Official end Mennonite Fellowship"

"My heart finds rest in the darkness behind Ashley..."
"King Alfred the Great, you can't hide!"
"The girls are you, but I put into the shredder because they're sad."
"This one will become a pig slave. LOLZ!"
"But then as you are brutally murdered."
"Just sing along and go a natural disaster."

CarolynBot gets philosophical:

"My heart finds rest in a flying bison, as opposed to tell you a secret about"

"Rest in your story."

"Can one live alone, cozily?"

"Scrabble game gone overboard here?"

"Can one live with, and over?"
"Well, I can find my way manfully through the length of the library and find no benefit whatsoever on my homework."
"Am I Splinter?"

CarolynBot is self-absorbed:

"Boy, I can't believe I just noticed your legs broke? Miss you, we had an awesome my life is."
"I love so wide that it stops all my time. I have tasted of a voter's guide, for this is so old, so proud of exhaustion."
"Completely overwhelmed with me."
"The Millersville library has never known so many of a love myself."
"Sad to revise my own poems. They're either really pretty or really pretty sure is!"

Sherpa

Don't get me wrong, a bunch of kids knew what a "sherpa" was, and got the bonus question right. But those who didn't know guessed that a "sherpa" was the following:

"a medical tool"

"a type of tent"

"is a plant"

"a mountain of dirt covered by ice... I think."

Five Paragraph Essay Example

Carolyn McK
Miss McK
Academic Writing
30 August 2012

Why Every Child Should Watch TV

In the 1950s, television provided a useful tool for broadcasting news bulletins and entertainment. In the 1960s, Americans had the opportunity to see news bulletins that involved real footage from the ghastly Vietnam War. But television has progressed a great deal since then. In the late 1990s, television introduced Americans to what it affectionately called “reality” with the hit show “Survivor.” Ever since, any willing mind has been able to access a wide world of “reality.” Children should be encouraged to watch as much television as possible, for it prevents cancer, discourages excessive imagination, and encourages a broad knowledge base.
If in the sun for too long, the skin is at risk of developing cancerous cells called melanoma. As the earth’s temperature increases from a lack of ozone, UV rays become ever more powerful and harmful. If melanoma is not removed promptly, it is a deadly problem. The television can help children to avoid the damage in the first place by keeping them indoors, in dimly-lit areas, where screen-viewing is optimal.

 Television can also reduce the risk of involvement in hazardous activities. For instance, before the television, and in outlying areas without access to television shows, it has been reported that children would create and enact their own games. The first real harm of this is that thinking of one’s own games and entertainment is a mental exercise: the toll is unfathomable. Playing games of one’s own (indeed, playing games at all) is taxing on the mind and often the body. By the end of the day, one who has been engaged in such play is quite worn out. The second trouble with creating one’s own games is the potential for risk to life and limb. What if an especially eager child takes it upon himself to invent a game called “birds,” and plays on the roof? He will most likely meet his demise. What if an enterprising child discovers that in order to accomplish his aim of imagination, he needs to design and build a treehouse? This is most inconvenient for the parent, who has to supply the necessary tools and support for such an endeavor. What is more, should the child endeavor to set up, say, a lemonade stand, some unfortunate adult would have to teach the child how to make lemonade, collect money, give change, wash glasses, and spend whatever profits wisely (though there most likely are none, what with the overhead). All told, this becomes an extraordinary effort on the part of the adult, not just the child, let alone the likelihood that the child is making himself a nuisance to the neighborhood.

Finally, through television, a child may gain knowledge regarding every aspect of the world. If a child wants to learn about giant squid, she may turn to Animal Planet. If a child wants to learn about indigenous swamp-dwellers of the Florida Keys, she may turn to the Discovery Channel. If a child wants to learn to bake cakes, she may go to the Food Network. The television provides a veritable buffet for the eager sponge that is the young mind. And adults certainly need no longer discuss “the birds and the bees” with their children, for that curriculum is already built into most family shows.

Owning a television should be prerequisite to having children, for all the benefits it provides. However, if one still has reservations regarding the benefits of television on young minds, one might begin with a single show (e.g. Sesame Street, or Caillou), and work one’s way up through the day’s programming, until one is able to live comfortably with merely a full fridge and a remote control.

How to Remove a Cricket from the Shower

One day, upon first stepping into the shower, you may notice a struggling cricket of, say, two inches diameter, making it unquestionably the largest cricket you have ever seen in your life. After identifying it as such, you may choose to loose a shriek or some other rapid exhalation before finding a towel and staggering out of the bathroom to think through the situation. Follow these steps:

1. Put on a robe or something. Tackling any insect in the buff is leaving yourself unnecessarily vulnerable.

2. Locate a window or door that opens to the outdoors. You may not enjoy sharing your shower with a cricket, but that's no reason to end his abnormally large life.

3. Find an object that is long enough to cradle the insect without using your hands to touch it. Perhaps this goes without saying, but because the insect entered your life with no warning, you are not mentally prepared to grasp it with your bare hands.
Recommendations: A magazine might work, but the best possible solution here is a toilet brush and its container. The toilet brush can serve as an extended hand to "coax" the creature into the container.

4. Wrangle the cricket.

5. Transport it to the nearest window or door, arms fully extended so as to prevent contact with the cricket.

6. Open window and dump the cricket.

7. Resume shower, now with a sense of the unexpected and the ridiculous that prevails in you, even after so many years of claiming to not be afraid of bugs.

Also, this:

Dinosaurs

Me: Dad, I wish I had gone through a dinosaur stage as a child. I was missing out. I really like dinosaurs.

Dad: Well, that's all very nice, but where were you when they were sickly?



I remember one of the most interesting conversations of my life was when Kelly taught me what it is to imagine away boredom. We were maybe 12 years old, and I am sure it was largely motivated by the movie Jurassic Park. As we were in the car headed past fields separated by tree lines, with a forest bordering the horizon, she quietly mentioned, "sometimes, when I'm bored, I picture a pack of velociraptors coming out of the trees."

Ever since, I have often imagined dinosaurs entering into my life. I  especially love the way Dinotopia makes it possible for humans to interact with dinosaurs (specifically the herbivores).

7 Bad Ways to Eat an Orange

I would like to see a video entitled "7 Bad Ways to Eat an Orange." I can think of at least that many.

BJ, for instance, eats an orange like a grapefruit (like one would eat a grapefruit, rather, not like a grapefruit would eat an orange, that's ridiculous), by cutting it in half perpendicular to the core and eating the sections with a spoon.

One might also try to eat an orange by ravenously tearing it apart. What a mess.

One might also try to use a slingshot and spatter it against a tree, and then approach its squishy bits with mouth open, no hands.

One might also try to slingshot the orange directly into another's mouth. Ouch.

One might try cutting the orange into "matchstick slices." Talk about herding cats.

One might try using a potato shooter. Another hopeless mess.

One might try removing the peel, then the white, then separating each tiny juice packet, then lining them up, and using a small straw to suck up the bits.

For proper ways to eat an orange, go here.

Destination: Cleveland

Dates: June 14-17 [well, we left at 6am on the 17th in order for me to be back in time to go to a wedding. It was beautiful.]
Purpose: to participate in Marine Week. [We were disappointed after learning that this had nothing whatsoever to do with fish or boats. Ha. No. Actual Purpose: to meet up with FRIENDS, specifically Erin and Rachel]
Mode of Transport: Christine's car
People whose presence we missed by being together: numerous

Description: Christine came on Wednesday to help me focus on the week-long, intensive class I was taking. It actually worked. It turns out I can read and write best when there's a person nearby to whom I can occasionally read a brilliant passage, or who keeps me updated on Facebook and discourages me from doing the same.

We left Thursday after class, arriving by midnight in Cleveland. Instead of recounting every single thing we did (which Christine and I did on the way home, with true narrative genius, I might add), I shall add 34 more items to my list of Favorite Things.

Quoteboards
Erin's laugh
Christine's laugh
Rachel's long-lost laugh
Carolyn's laugh
Laughter
Duct tape [we went to the duct tape festival... It's only impressive if you think of it as a small town's summer carnival + a nod to duct tape]
Cafes
Flawless weddings [we did not all attend one, Erin was the coordinator at one on Saturday]
Lavender soda
Open windows
Ponytails
Thank-you cards
Soft puppies
Powdered color
Sweat bands
No traffic
Little black dresses [Marshall's store: Christine, Rachel, and I tried on dress after dress, many of which we would never dream of actually buying. Though it's always so rewarding when those look good on.]
Bobby pins ["Are you going to bobby pin that hair into submission?"]
Headbands that fit
Background music
Ceiling fans
Invitations to go swing dancing
Friends with apartments
Funny grammar mistakes
Eating 'cause you're too lazy to stare [I have no idea what that means now]
Community naps
Dutch Blitz
Going out
Visiting nursing homes [we did not do that, we just wrote it down]
Sitting on counter tops
Sitting next to a friend in class [not that we went to class all together... I mean, since college]
Watching the old version of "Father of the Bride," (you know, the one with Elizabeth Taylor?) at Erin's house with her family and friends, and eating pizza, and drinking root beer, and all the while a little cat is determined to stay right in the center of your lap, all curled up sleeping. 
Staying up until 4am talking, expressing a devil-may-care attitude toward tomorrow's six hours of driving with an hour-and-a-half of sleep.

A Graph, for your Edification

A Survey.

Sure, adults still do these. It's like a test of wit.


1. Who would you want to be tied to for 24 hours?
     Will Smith.

2. Who do you blame for your mood today?
     Who's blaming? I credit several people for my excellent mood: my co-workers take the prize today.

3. Have you ever seen a dead body?
     Yes. And not just at funerals, either... (?)

4. What should we do with stupid people??
     Love 'em.

5. How long do you think you will live?
     88.

6. What was the first thing you did this morning?
     Snooze button.

7. The color of carpet in your bedroom?
     Cream.

9. Last person you went out to dinner with?
     BJ, maybe?

10. Are you spoiled?
     Not compared to most people in a developed country.

11.Do you drink lots of water?
     You know I do. You think looks like this happen by accident?

12. What toothpaste do you use?
     Aquafresh.

13. How do you vent your anger?
     What ANGER!?

14. The last compliment you received?
     "Your class is interesting," a few days ago.

15. What are you doing this weekend?
     Working.

16 When was the last time you threw up?
     LAST WEEK!

17. :)

18. What theme does your room have?
     Sleeping.

19. When was the last time you were at a party?
     Shoot. All the time. So many parties. Like every second.

20. Are you a mama's child or a daddy's child?
     I'm not a child. You'd think I got this off of Myspace or something.

21. Would you ever join the military?
     No.

22. The last website you visited?
     Weather.com.

23. Who was the last person you took a picture with?
     Mermaids at Melissa's bridal shower.

25. Last person you went to the movies with?
     People from the dorm: The Hunger Games.

26. What did you do/will you do for your birthday this year?
     Kayaking? Fishing? Except, you can be the one to touch the fish.

27. Number of layers on your bed?
     Of blankets? Just the one. It is so cozy, I don't need anything else.

28. Is anything alive in your room?
     I am. I'm alive. And stinkbugs. So very alive.

29. Today, would you rather go back a week or go forward a week?
     Forward. Last week I was sick with the flu. But forward is even scarier. It's the unknown. What a great question. Still, forward, always forward.

30. What are you looking forward to right now?
      A second cup of tea. Finishing a batch of grading. Reading before bed. Sleeping. Coffee in the morning. The sunrise. The weekend. Dancing. Visiting Waynesboro. Hiking. Summer vacation. Cleveland. Baltimore. Chatting with my dad. Seeing all my family... Best list ever. 

Possibilities for the Future

My niece, Aida, and I were playing this weekend. She's six. She decided we would play "Mommy's work." My sister-in-law helps people to find suitable jobs. So Aida brought down her kids' program computer, and sat at the coffee table in a folding pink princess chair. She began with some preliminary questions:

[We shake hands]

Aida: How can I help you?

Me: Uh, I need a job right away.

Aida: No problem. I can help you. What do you like?

Me: [in character] I like... to... put things together. And take things apart. And I like the color yellow.

Aida: [typing furiously on the computer] That's fine. Good. I have something for you: a construction worker!

Me: Perfect! But what about how I like the color yellow?

Aida: No problem. All the machines are yellow. I have some forms for you to fill out. [Draws four lines on a sheet of paper] Write your name, date you were born, place, and things you like.

Me: [struggling with "place"] Done.

Aida: Great! You start on Friday. Here's your schedule. [Hands over another piece of paper.] Do you need anything else?

Me: [hesitatingly] A house would be nice.

Aida: Sure. I can help you. [Writes out a "check" for $50 million.] Is that enough?

Me: Yes. I'm sure I can find something for that much. How do you get the money to give people for houses?

Aida: Work gives it to me, and I give some of it away to people.

By the end of our session, I had a huge house filled with a few other families, I had changed careers to become a novelist/baby sitter (her idea), and I had a husband named Tyler. And we were both parrots.

The End.

New Spellings

of my last name:

Makalubs

McKlapus

McKalubs

CaryLin

Ms. Kalips

Mrs. Carolyn

Ms. Makalup

Miss. Klips

Miss. Catlips

Miss. Cowlips

Miss. Kay-lips

Miss McKaliaps

I'm serious.

End Year 23

I sometimes think about how strange it is that agriculture dictates our education system and therefore the rhythm that we use to plan our lives. This means that mid-August is naturally a time of chaotic rearrangement. Kids and young adults shuffle off to school, teachers return to their kitchens and coffee pots to start a new school year after summers which they must relegate to dreamworlds untold. I am, for the first time, in the latter category instead of the former.

But before all of that, comes my birthday. And my birthday this year was incredible...

Let's begin at 10:15 am, when I left LMH in Lachelle and Brian's car, listening exclusively to a very beautiful piece: "The Last Waltz," the perfect blend of beauty and sorrow and change, with other significance attached in other ways. I arrived at Jordan's house to meet Krystle, Shelby, Alyssa, and Jordan. We left for Longwood Gardens together and met Garrett just inside, so we made six.

I've been to Longwood before, but my impressions of this day were something different from ever before. The sun's whole face was laughing. My imagination took over! We marveled at a treehouse; I felt like an elf, finally home. We stood above the Italian water garden; I felt like I was attending a ball, dressed in satin and lace. We stood in the triple fountain, south of the DuPont house; I felt like a duckling, delighted! We ran around the meadow; I felt like the Von Trapp children, set free! We stood under the wrought-iron gazebo above the coy fish; I felt like a goddess on Olympus, everywhere I laid my eyes was mine.

For lunch, we left the gardens and made hamburgers at Garrett's house nearby. Fun. So fun. Summer is cutting tomatoes and watermelon and doing dishes at someone else's house with good friends. The sun went right on laughing. Back to the gardens for the other, more exquisite half. We were walking our legs off by this time.

It's worth mentioning that sometimes when you have a few people together who love the Lord, your fellowship grows. At one point, I counted our group of six and thought, "wait, aren't there seven of us?" It has to be the Holy Spirit who comes and makes seven.

We departed for Jordan's house where we met up with David, pizza, and a fire after sunset. Why not finish with ice cream and conversation? Why not, indeed.

Midsummer Days

It's been so good. Mini-week was full of adorable little kids. So little. So lovable. The week is so short, since the children are so young. But it was enough for me. It was difficult to always be hung upon and questioned. I found myself occasionally yearning for teen week. We happened to play a game (called Bug-Bug) in which half the camp ends up "dead" on the far side of the ballfield. The rest of the camp must carry or drag the "dead bugs" to the other side of the field. It is a wretched, hot game to play. I found myself yearning for teen week as I lay dead under the bushes. Small children came up to me, lifted one of my legs, then dropped it, quickly deciding that I was too much for them to muster.

Mid-camp break began when mini-week ended. On Wednesday, the little children headed home for much-needed naps, and we went (napless) to Camp Andrews for a relaxing Wednesday night and Thursday. We spent the day loving their climbing equipment, and their beautiful creek, and their hidden caves, and their pool. On Friday, Black Rock treated us to a day at Hershey Park!

It rained in the afternoon. We left for Chocolate World after waiting unsuccessfully (in the rain) for an hour in line for Fahrenheit. Everyone was in Chocolate World. You could have lost a limb in the crowd and not known it til much later. We eventually returned to the main park and rode a few more roller coasters, including Fahrenheit. The best part of the day was the companionship of the people. Camp contains the combination of people where you can never go wrong, no matter how you slice it. There is no boring, or lame, or undesirable group. I know because I'm sitting in a room full of them right now. They're practicing swing dance, throwing tape at each other, practicing a skit about Cupid shooting people (to advertise archery), tripping over large white boxes, and smelling strange because they were canoeing all day... actually, the last is just me.

We're preparing for teen week, folks. Tomorrow the older kids come. And it will be so good.

Book Report

I looked in the mirror.

I looked at my paper.

And back in the mirror,

and down at my shoes.

I remembered my mommy

and all that she'd told me.

And my teacher, Miss Holly,

the way that she scolds me:

Eye contact. Posture. My

FINAL GRADE!

I wish I had read about

the British Light Brigade...

Here goes, Miss Holly, I plod to the front:

"I chose a book about Billy the Kid,

How he robbed the stage coaches,

And if I were him--

I'd overtake the whole West, those lawless red roaches! I'd overtake saloons and gun-sling til I got all the gold and the frills from the drinkers and girls. Then I'd sit at the piano and sing about the sea til the sun began setting, my cue to leave. And I'd hop on six horses and ride away easy, on into the sunset, my kingdom at peace."

-Miss McKalips

Ask Me Why

Me: Becky, you're so good at asking insightful questions. You should ask me why I made two eggs just now.

Becky: Carolyn, why did you have to make two eggs just now?

Me: Why, I'm so glad you asked this! You see, I was only planning on making one egg. But then... A COCKROACH FELL INTO IT!

Becky: [stunned face] ...That's gross. Ew. That's gross.

Me: Sorry, but you asked.

A Student in Fall

Here is a writing exercise for creating smaller, more provocative prose. Think of a place, a time. Take all the words you need to create the picture in your own mind.

Here's mine:

Widget the cat

hot chocolate

sofa chair, striped

purring

peace

wishing for a snow storm

Now, add as few words as you can to create a picture of the moment for another reader.

Here's mine:

Short days have come with fall. I stay inside when the sun is out. I sit with a book, the cat, hot chocolate, and wish for a snow storm to give me peace.