Loop Inspiration #2

The bush I've beaten around all day long: here it is: on the tip of my tongue: only one person I wanted to talk to all day. Everyone else seems stale, dry, old, useless. And I hate that. I hate that I can ignore everyone else, refuse to engage with their lives, their precious thoughts, their important moments, just like mine, just as 3D and so damn important!

Damn
My pastor said damn last week. I'm so grateful. If he hadn't, I might not have remembered what he was saying: being a leader is damn hard. But just do it. Don't shirk. Don't hide. Just stand, and put your neck out there, even if it's bound to be cut off.

Grateful
Who was it that I read recently, or heard about, that lived in prison for so many years, and there met God. So real was He, that the prisoner learned prayer in prison as he never had before. When he was released, he  noted how the Church often neglected gratitude as the foundation of their prayer. How could they do that, when God freely gives so much? And more than all, He offers us Himself: a blood and bone connection to his heart.

Neglected
In my writing class, we do free writes. This is an institution I'm proud of, because every class makes it their own. They find their own way of discovering to write, when I give them the time and try to give them the inspiration for it. And then the hard part: sharing. How do you hang a piece of your soul out the window? But one girl shares often. And more than once, she has shared about the neglect of her very early childhood, before adoption. Each time I hear about it, it shocks me, beats me, leaves me stunned. Then we clap, and move on to another student's writing about basketball, or how they are wishing it were lunchtime, or sometimes a glance into their hearts. And at the end, I'm never quite sure if we did it right.

Evening Confession

Tonight, you don't know me.
You don't.

I'm worn out.
Dark circles.
Too many carbs. Too much caffeine.
I did all the things I was supposed to today.
I did my research, and got the facts straight;
I did the shopping, baked for the group, hosted it, almost cleaned up afterward;
I wrote a letter, thought about my opinion on a subject;
I changed into sweatpants, and made up my mind to set my alarm early for a meeting in the morning.

And I feel empty, here at the computer.

I'm
Afraid this is who I really am, and even more
Afraid that you do know me, after all.

Uncouth Thoughts for a Young Lady

I was so nervous right before the semester started. I'm teaching a subject in which I've never had formal, university training: the Bible. I mean, I've been a student of the Bible all my life. But to conceptualize how to teach it, well, I was in an uproar. The day before classes were to begin, I could barely breathe, I was so frazzled. I was sitting in a teachers' meeting, and a word came to me, which I believe was from God. Ever so gently, he said, "settle the f&*$ down."

++++

When I fall in love,
I don't want my heart to stop beating at the sight of him.
I want for him to see my heart, and to long for it to go on beating at all costs.
I want to do the same for him. I want us to help each other to live.

++++

I'm so glad that I am not thinking about moving this year. I dread it, really. Although, tonight, I was helping a friend gather his apartment together a wee bit, as he's preparing to move tomorrow, and it wasn't so bad. He's made sure not to collect much stuff. And he has help from people who love him. He said that it costs over $200 to hire movers. $500 if you have a piano that needs moving. I've never had to pay that. I hope you never do, either.

++++

I lied tonight. I ate out at a restaurant, and ordered a chicken dish from their "specials." It was still pricey, though. And when I got it, I couldn't really taste it. Not really at all. And it wasn't that I lack the ability to taste, which I questioned. It was just that it was an unimpressive, low-quality entree. The server came around to ask how it was, and I smiled and said, "very good, thank you." Lies.

But, really, what was she going to do about the food? I was embarrassed for her. But I didn't have to get the whole rest of it in a to-go box to spare her feelings, did I?