If I Had it to Do Over...

If I could sit myself down in late July 2016, I would have listened to my very legitimate worries about how to say goodbye, what to pack, and what to do about money. After just listening to all that, December Me would have told July Me the following important information:

1. When it comes to packing, remember, people live there. They either know how to do it or are surviving without doing it. (This apparently does not apply to shoes. Bring ALL your shoes.)

2. Bring a journal from before you left. You were a person quite different then, but still a whole, dignified person. It's good to remember those days when you understood the world around you.

It's also good to see the holes and questions you had before the move. Moving has brought new pain, but it has answered some of your questions, deepened your dreams, changed your life.

3. You don't have to go everywhere and experience everything right away. Reading books is still an acceptable pastime, no matter the continent.

4. You're going to write again. And you're going to love it.

Language Study

My goal for language-learning is a wide-angle kind of goal: I want to feel more at home when I'm in a French-speaking country. I want to be able to ride in a taxi, order food, ask questions, reason with answers. Oh, I want to be able to do everything, but in French. And I just can't be perfect in a second language for a long time.

All the same, class is going well. We use lots of visual cue cards and toys to recreate the language-rich environment of a playing child. I take that very seriously, as you might expect.

Learning is magical

"I forget my passwords."

"I'm just happy to be here."

I don't remember any of the words for any of these images. But, "Oui."

It's just so easy to be misunderstood when you have this card as your chest.

Care Packages

Out of the blue, an old friend of the family offered to send me some soap she makes out of goat's milk.

I said I'd love some, but that it can be expensive to send things across the ocean. She said she didn't care what it cost, it must be nice receiving things from the US.

I have re-read her message so many times, actually getting goosebumps from how special it made me feel for someone to say, "I don't care what it costs." Someone who owes me nothing, she just wants to bless me; and she doesn't care what it costs.

Thanks to those who have sent care packages, and spent time writing to me, or chatting with me. I miss you.

How to Get Over a Crush (And Lose Your Soul)

1. Fixate on the bad instead of the good.

• Think about one word to apply to this person, the worst thing you know about them, and repeat it to yourself like a mantra when you start to slip. Any trait that is negative will do: awkward, judgmental, poorly-dressed, oblivious.
• Think about the annoying things they do. 
• Think about the worst time(s) you've had together. 
• Go so far as to think about your crush's undesirable family members: who needs them around? 

The danger in all of this is that you begin to play tug-of-war with your thoughts, because this person is objectively good, probably; and thinking on bad times together might tempt you to think of the good times; and there's the chance that the crush's family is actually really nice. Don't let your sense of justice interfere: are you here to be just, or to get over the crush? Okay, then, because, when the truth fails you...

2. Make stuff up.

Create a false memory, and think about it until it's real in your mind. Let yourself completely believe that your once-hopeful significant other is a terrible jerk who would kick puppies and mislead the elderly. Let it rankle inside you and fester until the mere thought of the other evokes a sour taste on your tongue, and you despise the mention of their name.

"But, I don't understand. Why can't I just feel nothing?" you ask. 

You poor, sad little baby. You have to feel something. You're in kind-of love with this person. They've gotten to you. They've touched your heart—they can't untouch it. If I could feel anything except rage right now, I'd say sorry, it's a tough break. You don't get to choose indifference at this point: only to love or to hate. I'm telling you, if you don't want to love them, better get started on growing that hatred. It works. I'm not saying you'll be okay. But it works.

"But what if I don't want to lose my soul?" you ask.

I might be able to help you, if certain criteria are met: you and the other person are:

• alive
• eligible
• within conversational possibility

This route is the hardest of all, because it takes the most work, the most courage...

here it is:

the secret that shouldn't be a secret:

You can get to know the person.

Just act like you're... you. Don't be exciting; be a person. Take an interest in the other, and see what happens. I'm telling you: it's the worst. You're definitely going to overthink it. Find your zen place, and stick it out. Don't be too careful to avoid deep subjects, either. Just let those happen, too.

Here we come to the worst part: you have no idea what will happen to you. There are a few obvious options, like you could realize you don't really get along with that person; or you could make a genuine friend. But a million other possibilities await you, too.

The difference between having an actual relationship with a person versus having a crush is that one involves the other person. Relationships are risky, but rewarding. Having a crush avoids both risk and reward.

Christmas in Casa

At my co-workers' house, GWA's expats gathered to eat, sing, and play. 

These ornaments say "Morocco" by trying very hard.

New rug, green tea, Shakespeare, sunlight

This is my friend's dog. He chilled with me only long enough to snap this. Busy guy.

Victories

In our first weeks here, my roommate and I talked about our small victories. We were doing things every day that we had never done, or typical things that we hadn't thought about doing for years, but that were suddenly complicated by language and other barriers. We started writing these victories on a calendar, and posted it on the fridge. Here are my highlights from September to present:

9/26: taxied from school

9/27: zumba!

9/28: good hair

9/29: three good lesson plans

9/30: in bed before 10 PM

10/1: enjoyed a late-night party

10/2: 30-minute run

10/3: four hours of schoolwork on a day off

10/5: stayed in line at the butcher

10/6: small group

10/9: judged debate at CAS

10/10: paid electric bill

10/13: French class

10/17: rode on a dromedary

10/18: haggled

10/19: did nothing

10/22: hour-long talk with Mom

10/24: didn't take myself too seriously

10/26: first tutoring session success

10/29: bought a watch

10/30: [watch doesn't work]

10/31: exchanged money

11/1: took taxis from school, to the bank, back to school

11/6: called off work and wrote sub plans between throwing up

11/9: mostly didn't fight on Facebook

11/13: got involved at church

11/15: didn't mention the election to anyone

11/16: 41 parent-teacher conferences

11/18: bought a rug

11/19: successful baking!

11/20: read and prepared to teach Macbeth

11/21: subbed during a prep period and didn't get bitter

11/24: went to Ain Sebaa in the rain

11/25: six hours of Gilmore Girls

11/30: enjoyed the students

12/2: gave four lunch detentions

12/3: won Dutch Blitz

When I Love You

Don't worry, Little Heart. I love you even in the dark.

I love you in the light of day,
safely tucked into the crowd.
I love you in the summer's shade,
when breezes run along the ground.

I love you as the clouds grow big,
brooding and alive with rain.
I love you when the results are rigged,
contempt's cup full, its dregs you drain.

I love you when you're sick and sleeping,
or when you're numb from grief's hard blow.
I love you when you're lost, and it's raining,
surrounded by country not your own.

I love you when you don't remember home.

I love you when the electric's dead,
the bulbs are blown,
the house is cold.

I love you while the stiff wind blows,
when you feel useless and alone:
when you watch too much TV, and make bad decisions about what to eat, and hate yourself for it all day long, dreading the hard work that hangs over your head.

I love you, Little, Feeble Heart.
I love you even in the dark.