How to Get Over a Crush (And Lose Your Soul)

1. Fixate on the bad instead of the good.

• Think about one word to apply to this person, the worst thing you know about them, and repeat it to yourself like a mantra when you start to slip. Any trait that is negative will do: awkward, judgmental, poorly-dressed, oblivious.
• Think about the annoying things they do. 
• Think about the worst time(s) you've had together. 
• Go so far as to think about your crush's undesirable family members: who needs them around? 

The danger in all of this is that you begin to play tug-of-war with your thoughts, because this person is objectively good, probably; and thinking on bad times together might tempt you to think of the good times; and there's the chance that the crush's family is actually really nice. Don't let your sense of justice interfere: are you here to be just, or to get over the crush? Okay, then, because, when the truth fails you...

2. Make stuff up.

Create a false memory, and think about it until it's real in your mind. Let yourself completely believe that your once-hopeful significant other is a terrible jerk who would kick puppies and mislead the elderly. Let it rankle inside you and fester until the mere thought of the other evokes a sour taste on your tongue, and you despise the mention of their name.

"But, I don't understand. Why can't I just feel nothing?" you ask. 

You poor, sad little baby. You have to feel something. You're in kind-of love with this person. They've gotten to you. They've touched your heart—they can't untouch it. If I could feel anything except rage right now, I'd say sorry, it's a tough break. You don't get to choose indifference at this point: only to love or to hate. I'm telling you, if you don't want to love them, better get started on growing that hatred. It works. I'm not saying you'll be okay. But it works.

"But what if I don't want to lose my soul?" you ask.

I might be able to help you, if certain criteria are met: you and the other person are:

• alive
• eligible
• within conversational possibility

This route is the hardest of all, because it takes the most work, the most courage...

here it is:

the secret that shouldn't be a secret:

You can get to know the person.

Just act like you're... you. Don't be exciting; be a person. Take an interest in the other, and see what happens. I'm telling you: it's the worst. You're definitely going to overthink it. Find your zen place, and stick it out. Don't be too careful to avoid deep subjects, either. Just let those happen, too.

Here we come to the worst part: you have no idea what will happen to you. There are a few obvious options, like you could realize you don't really get along with that person; or you could make a genuine friend. But a million other possibilities await you, too.

The difference between having an actual relationship with a person versus having a crush is that one involves the other person. Relationships are risky, but rewarding. Having a crush avoids both risk and reward.