Monday, January 31, 2011

A Schoolday in Winter

It is hard to think of the sunrise
over the snow, pink and red, and then
everywhere! Unleashed!

The heat in the car finally kicking in
and warming my toes--
all as the sun rose!

It is hard to even think of reasons to live
when you're sitting in a 10th grade
health class, and they're copying from
their books,
and you're "observing,"
and you've forgotten your "essential paperwork,"
read "Mark Twain."

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Post-Camp Letter to Myself

Some explanation: The letter below just arrived in the mail today. I now recall my feelings at the end of camp. My exhaustion was bordering on that hopeless feeling one gets when one imagines that all her efforts were for naught. Elijah's reaction after God's victory at Mt. Carmel comes to mind. He was so tired, fleeing, homeless, ready for rest; and he came to God in the attitude of despair which was all he could muster, "I have had enough, Lord." 1 Kings 19. And how does God react to fugitives that ask to be killed off before their pursuers succeed? Oh--That is the God I love!

I often feel hopeless during transitional times of life. This letter is continuing the conversation.
_____________________

Dear Me,
Some things shouldn't be forgotten. Your God has been faithful here at Black Rock. Without any preparation, few decorations, and no idea what faith would look like, I came here. I had had a year of academic difficulty and had become frazzled, disconnected, busy. But during pre-camp training, the Lord spoke to me. Oh Lord, it wasn't a prepared heart, a full resume that You wanted. You wanted me.
I gave You my all this summer. The whole cup is drained. 71 young girls plus 6 women have camped at my cabin. I was hostess, sister, mommy, planner, pastor, massage therapist, teacher. Each week, I know their lives were changed. They may or may not have communicated their appreciation. I know it was done in Your Name, Jesus. If exhaustion is any indication, this summer was beautiful. And it was.
Risk it.

Love,
Me then.

1 John 2:14

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Imagine a Tone of Surprise and Stunned Reverence

If I didn't know any better, I'd say I'd inherited someone else's life in the past week.

My student teaching placement is in tenth grade in a large suburban high school. The students enter the room. They do not sit on the desks, or wander in circles in the room, or commence shouting, or toss things about, or begin altercations, nor do they stampede the teacher's desk and remove items (the intention of giving said items back being an absolutely separate matter). Some of them appear to be cheerful, others merely going through the motions of school--and they know the motions very well. They take their seats--seats they have been assigned. And they may chat with their classmates nearby, or finish their homework in the brief interlude before class starts.

My cooperating teacher was saddened to find that three students total out of the first two classes had failed to complete their homework. I was awed. Only three? At my last placement, homework was not assigned, because the students refused to do it. They were beyond refusing. There was simply no hope that they would ever do it. And a seating chart. Pahahalease. No, you poor, sad baby. We'll sit down where we like when we take the notion to sit down.

There is carpet on the classroom floors.

She puts the period's agenda on the smart board, and follows it. The students bring their books and their own pencils, with a few exceptions, and they work together in pairs or groups to complete the assigned work. I know! Maybe this doesn't sound radical to you.

But last November allowed me to step back from my expectations for classrooms. Apparently, I stepped pretty far back. Because this all seems foreign to me. Everything from the organization of the bell schedules to the presence of technology. The only thing to remain is that teachers care here, too.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Events and Observations

from the last 30 days.

For Christmas, I traveled to Stephen and Megan's house. I saw Aida and Holden and my Dad, and got everyone sick with a distinctly violent cold. We watched Master and Commander practically in slow motion. Stephen commented on everything navy... and it was still a good movie.

I read The Curate's Awakening by George MacDonald.

I traveled to see Erin Heisey with Christine Rankin. Oh, yes! Cleveland really does rock. We loved the zoo, and the Hyatt where Erin works. I loved the Cleveland Museum of Art. It's good for the imagination to see the Egyptian wing in a museum having just seen The Mummy. We stayed up late talking and talking. And even though it's been a long time, and might be a longer time, we picked up where we left off. You know when that happens that as we have been growing up, God has been growing up in us, too.

Michelle came for a too-short weekend. We attended The Beggar Folk's album release.

I learned to play Dominion with Joella's family.

Tim Nickels visited all the way from Maine! It had been seven years since we had actually talked. Again, with how God grows up in us.

I got a job at Isaac's Restaurant. I begin this week. This has been a tough couple of months regarding jobs.

Mom and Dan dropped off the truck for me to use while student teaching. It's great to have wheels!

Just today, I attended Millersville's student teacher orientation meeting: Rough. Times. In short, I don't yet have a placement for student teaching. Please don't ask about it. I'll let you know.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Así Son las Cosas

Señor del universo,

Yo confío todo al cuidado tuyo. Si yo no te pueda confiar, ¿en quién puedo esperar? Ya me ha fallado mí misma. Fine. Take it all.

Voy a tomar el consejo que dí a una hermana esta semana: voy a contarte como me siento a tí. Si me siento que me has equivocado, y me debes a algo, voy a decirlo a tí. Pero, por ahora, sé que lo que me falta es la descansa. Aun todavía, mientras que yo no este bien, puedo descansarme en tus brazos.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

The New Year

New Year's Eve was the last night that the little restaurant was open. A good night:

Becky, Leah, Kirsten, and Ty came near the end to have appetizers and to see the happening band which they had been promised, but which didn't exist.

But, hark! What was that exciting party going on upstairs? A party for a bunch of Greek people, I said, friends of the owners. Sure, we can go up for a look.

I felt so privileged entering that fun without having to pay.

Possibly the only light-haired people in the room, Leah and I moved toward the front where a group of maybe 40 people were dancing holding hands in a circle--ah, you know, Greek-style, right? Who can resist that? Not us. We joined right in.

We came back to the house to clang pots and pans to ring in the new year.

Resolutions? I want to be fearless.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Doubt

Inevitably, when I believe I am speaking out of righteous necessity and I feel I must dispense important advice, I come to a place of doubt in a matter of minutes. I become so mixed up that I can't tell what is right. I can't recall if I was speaking in love. Was it my own indignation slashing and burning a moment of fragile openness?



You told me how you felt. You thought you were safe.

But I thought, "she thinks she has a right to talk. She thinks someone has done her wrong."

So instead of listening (merely), instead of allowing you free vent, I passed judgment, laid the gavel down.

I prayed as soon as my rain of terror had fallen, as we sat in impossible silence, that I might not have pushed you away from love.

If only I could tell you how much I care for your heart!

Look quickly before it is buried beneath the gathering scales of narcissism.

How imperfect is my care!

Oh, Let us rest in His hand.