the clatter of dishes and patrons around you—
your face looks so disappointed to see just me, the same me,
after all.
Saturday, January 27, 2018
In Review
Such a blurry, final video call—
the clatter of dishes and patrons around you—
your face looks so disappointed to see just me, the same me,
after all.
the clatter of dishes and patrons around you—
your face looks so disappointed to see just me, the same me,
after all.
Friday, January 26, 2018
Where You Lost Me
I pass you walking on Stadium Street.
Your holler dehumanizes you to me,
Me to you,
And I wonder what you would do
If I turned around and took you seriously:
"You don't want a girl like me, who'd expect equality. What would you do with that independent streak? We'd end up broken down and angry when I'd expect you to help; expect honesty. And you'll lose me when you demean some lady on the street. Do you see where you lost me?
"How are there so damn many of you?
Who do you go home to?"
Your holler dehumanizes you to me,
Me to you,
And I wonder what you would do
If I turned around and took you seriously:
"You don't want a girl like me, who'd expect equality. What would you do with that independent streak? We'd end up broken down and angry when I'd expect you to help; expect honesty. And you'll lose me when you demean some lady on the street. Do you see where you lost me?
"How are there so damn many of you?
Who do you go home to?"
Monday, January 22, 2018
Scenes from H Period
On Thursday, students in my last class of the day were begging me to "do the dance you do! Do the dance! It's like this!" They did some strange version of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" march. I was dumbfounded.
"I don't dance in class! That would be so inappropriate!"
Thursday night, as I was explaining something to my roommate, with growing animation, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window and saw the dance. I dance to make a point. I apologized to those seventh-graders on Friday, partly for not owning up to dancing, partly for acting unprofessional by my very own definition. I said I could in no way guarantee that a relapse would not occur.
I laugh and laugh in that class. I try so hard to be serious, even giving detentions and subtracting points. It's probably unfair, when I cannot seem to keep myself under control.
Friday, I sat down at a desk during silent reading. The student next to me, I mean it, just his breathing made me laugh and I had to move.
During silent reading, with some regularity, I look up to find Adam doing something other than reading. I fix my glare on him. He shoots back a funny glare, and I realize I'm disarmed. I almost laugh and disrupt the class myself.
Adam: 1
McKalips: 0
"I don't dance in class! That would be so inappropriate!"
Thursday night, as I was explaining something to my roommate, with growing animation, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in the window and saw the dance. I dance to make a point. I apologized to those seventh-graders on Friday, partly for not owning up to dancing, partly for acting unprofessional by my very own definition. I said I could in no way guarantee that a relapse would not occur.
I laugh and laugh in that class. I try so hard to be serious, even giving detentions and subtracting points. It's probably unfair, when I cannot seem to keep myself under control.
Friday, I sat down at a desk during silent reading. The student next to me, I mean it, just his breathing made me laugh and I had to move.
During silent reading, with some regularity, I look up to find Adam doing something other than reading. I fix my glare on him. He shoots back a funny glare, and I realize I'm disarmed. I almost laugh and disrupt the class myself.
Adam: 1
McKalips: 0
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Singing My History
I have lived a short history.
Today, I stood in the kitchen making pancakes from a recipe I have memorized, and I thought about how it has come into being through many adaptations, through many kitchens. I know they existed, because this recipe exists.
I started to sing a familiar song. That, too, even more than the pancake recipe, is a continuity with my past. Even though the kitchen bears no resemblance to my past kitchens, the sun and shade, the patterns on the tile walls are all unlike my past worlds: the song is from there, and the song exists inside me and outside me, and is evidence of another world.
I have had lots of different Christmas ornaments, wall hangings, measuring cups, and all of them are gone or packed away somewhere.
Songs carry my stories.
Today, I stood in the kitchen making pancakes from a recipe I have memorized, and I thought about how it has come into being through many adaptations, through many kitchens. I know they existed, because this recipe exists.
I started to sing a familiar song. That, too, even more than the pancake recipe, is a continuity with my past. Even though the kitchen bears no resemblance to my past kitchens, the sun and shade, the patterns on the tile walls are all unlike my past worlds: the song is from there, and the song exists inside me and outside me, and is evidence of another world.
I have had lots of different Christmas ornaments, wall hangings, measuring cups, and all of them are gone or packed away somewhere.
Songs carry my stories.
Sunday, January 7, 2018
Scenes From Prague Last Fall
Leaves are turning yellow here, and we walked among their falling last night.
There's a bright restaurant, all windows, along the river. It looks over at the castle in the nighttime.
The castle says, "I'm beautiful."
The restaurant says, "I'm alive."
---
The restaurant would trade its life for beauty in an instant, I think, because it does not slow down and breathe in that life. It is making money, money, money. We are in a little hurry to have fun and take in beauty and talk about having seen it. But we are alive, unlike every castle.
---
On Monday, we saw banana trees drooping low, bearing their lush bunches closer and closer to earth.
On Tuesday, we saw a wall of leafy vines, all turning from green to burnished red, draped over a wall.
Like a shawl.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
December Dedications
Friday, December 1
Today is dedicated to Elijah, whose life sings to me about struggle, pain, and the voice of God.
Saturday, December 2
Today is dedicated to talking in the kitchen.
Sunday, December 3 - Wednesday, December 6
These days are dedicated to having a job.
Thursday, December 7
Today is dedicated to the specialty grocery stores in CIL. You came through when I feared I would not drink root beer for another seven months.
Friday, December 8
Today is dedicated to your children. I love seeing them grow up on social media, and I love teaching them.
Saturday, December 9
Today is dedicated to online dating and its stories.
Sunday, December 10
Today is dedicated to "normal" days.
Monday, December 11
Today is dedicated to you, when you feel like the world is too much, the week is too long, the kids are too loud, and you're not enough. God is with us.
Tuesday, December 12
Today is dedicated to eyeliner. It's a beautiful thing to look in the mirror and say to oneself, "Who is that Bad*** B****?! Oh, that's just me wearing eyeliner!"
Wednesday, December 13
Today is dedicated to Scrappy the cat, who likes cuddles, and who jumps down from mosque rooftops to find me when she hears my keys jingle.
Thursday, December 14
Today is dedicated to Ralph Waldo Emerson and his Transcendentalists who offered a measure of truth, and whose individualism haunts us with its many grandchildren.
Friday, December 15
Today is dedicated to sentence diagramming. You heard me. Sentence Diagramming, you helped me not to have to think of a party game for hyperglycemic seventh-graders.
Saturday, December 16
Today is dedicated to twinkle lights.
Sunday, December 17
Today is dedicated to the fellowship and the generosity of your people, dear Lord. You tell us there is enough and more than enough.
Monday, December 18
Today is dedicated to women whose husbands have died.
Tuesday, December 19
Today is dedicated to babysitters everywhere, who made it possible for my friends to see Star Wars with me.
Wednesday, December 20
Today is dedicated to Shanti and her willingness to re-watch all of Game of Thrones, straight through from the beginning.
Thursday, December 21
Today is dedicated to Christa, one of those people who has endless inner resources, as best I can tell.
Friday, December 22
Today is dedicated to watching TV without guilt.
Saturday, December 23
Today is dedicated to the friends who stick around, eat soup, watch movies, and laugh so loudly and prettily that the movie doesn't even matter.
Sunday, December 24
Today is dedicated to disappointments. Finding your king as a baby in a stable. Finding yourself unable to help someone you love. Finding the road ahead to be treacherous. Finding you've used up all the chocolate chips.
Monday, December 25
Today is dedicated to the family that witnesses your birth; the family that witnesses your growth; the family that witnesses your daily deaths. Sometimes it's the same group of people, and sometimes it's a whole big mix.
Tuesday, December 26 - Thursday, December 28
These days are dedicated to streaming shows, coffee, and at-home workouts.
Friday, December 29
Today is dedicated to the people who send their kids places in order to give them a better life, like the taxi driver who was so kind to me, who plans to send his young son to live with his relative in Canada in two short years.
Saturday, December 30
Today is dedicated to my brother and sister-in-law. I miss you terribly.
Sunday, December 31
Today is dedicated to the Friedrichses, who open their lives with abandon.
Today is dedicated to Elijah, whose life sings to me about struggle, pain, and the voice of God.
Saturday, December 2
Today is dedicated to talking in the kitchen.
Sunday, December 3 - Wednesday, December 6
These days are dedicated to having a job.
Thursday, December 7
Today is dedicated to the specialty grocery stores in CIL. You came through when I feared I would not drink root beer for another seven months.
Friday, December 8
Today is dedicated to your children. I love seeing them grow up on social media, and I love teaching them.
Saturday, December 9
Today is dedicated to online dating and its stories.
Sunday, December 10
Today is dedicated to "normal" days.
Monday, December 11
Today is dedicated to you, when you feel like the world is too much, the week is too long, the kids are too loud, and you're not enough. God is with us.
Tuesday, December 12
Today is dedicated to eyeliner. It's a beautiful thing to look in the mirror and say to oneself, "Who is that Bad*** B****?! Oh, that's just me wearing eyeliner!"
Wednesday, December 13
Today is dedicated to Scrappy the cat, who likes cuddles, and who jumps down from mosque rooftops to find me when she hears my keys jingle.
Thursday, December 14
Today is dedicated to Ralph Waldo Emerson and his Transcendentalists who offered a measure of truth, and whose individualism haunts us with its many grandchildren.
Friday, December 15
Today is dedicated to sentence diagramming. You heard me. Sentence Diagramming, you helped me not to have to think of a party game for hyperglycemic seventh-graders.
Saturday, December 16
Today is dedicated to twinkle lights.
Sunday, December 17
Today is dedicated to the fellowship and the generosity of your people, dear Lord. You tell us there is enough and more than enough.
Monday, December 18
Today is dedicated to women whose husbands have died.
Tuesday, December 19
Today is dedicated to babysitters everywhere, who made it possible for my friends to see Star Wars with me.
Wednesday, December 20
Today is dedicated to Shanti and her willingness to re-watch all of Game of Thrones, straight through from the beginning.
Thursday, December 21
Today is dedicated to Christa, one of those people who has endless inner resources, as best I can tell.
Friday, December 22
Today is dedicated to watching TV without guilt.
Saturday, December 23
Today is dedicated to the friends who stick around, eat soup, watch movies, and laugh so loudly and prettily that the movie doesn't even matter.
Sunday, December 24
Today is dedicated to disappointments. Finding your king as a baby in a stable. Finding yourself unable to help someone you love. Finding the road ahead to be treacherous. Finding you've used up all the chocolate chips.
Monday, December 25
Today is dedicated to the family that witnesses your birth; the family that witnesses your growth; the family that witnesses your daily deaths. Sometimes it's the same group of people, and sometimes it's a whole big mix.
Tuesday, December 26 - Thursday, December 28
These days are dedicated to streaming shows, coffee, and at-home workouts.
Friday, December 29
Today is dedicated to the people who send their kids places in order to give them a better life, like the taxi driver who was so kind to me, who plans to send his young son to live with his relative in Canada in two short years.
Saturday, December 30
Today is dedicated to my brother and sister-in-law. I miss you terribly.
Sunday, December 31
Today is dedicated to the Friedrichses, who open their lives with abandon.
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