A Few More Moments of Grace

It feels like the world as I knew it in the United States, especially, is coming to an end. There are so many emergencies right now... with the promise of more trouble: patriots from Iraq are detained; a white supremacist will now be allowed to assassinate people with impunity. And it's only just begun.

The only peace I can find is in Jesus. Oh, he is precious, and he does not lean left or right: he never changes. We cry out to you, God, let justice roll like mighty waters. 

---

I have been asking God to show me the grace he's provided for the moment. Is it tangible, Lord? Can I feel it and see it, please? Because things look so hopeless.

Here are a few moments from last week that touched my heart:

1. Casablanca cold is different from Pennsylvanian cold. I prefer Casablanca cold, but hear me out. Though the weather bottoms out at 1*C, 34*F, the buildings aren't built to hold heat in. So it's hard to get warm when you do come inside. It's hard to explain how demoralizing that can become. There's no refuge. But we do get this spectacular rainbow over the ocean!

I'm wearing a knit cap beneath my hood, three or four layers on top, and two layers of slacks.
But look at the rainbow!

2. A new friend gave me a gift toward my upcoming vacation to France.

3. At the end of a seventh grade class on Friday, as the students prepared to leave, I thanked them for their attention, as I always do. Two of the girls came over to me and said sincerely, in practiced unison, "thank you for teaching us!" I regret not hugging them!

When All You Actually Want is a Cinnamon Roll

Today was one of those mornings when you're teaching seventh grade about imagery. You're introducing a bit of homework that isn't due for a few days and the thing you really have to do is a lot of end-of-semester grading. A lot. We're talking 80 essays due Sunday night, 46 more due Tuesday night, and a thousand little things you've put off grading until the end... and it's sneaking up on you, and you're pushing it away so you can teach class... but all you really want is a cinnamon roll with raisins. You know? What every teacher really needs is their* vice principal to show up with a cinnamon roll, and be like, "Here you go! Take a break, and I'll cover this class time. Enjoy that cinnamon roll, now!"

I mean, these cinnamon rolls. Everyone talks about them. It's inappropriate how often everyone talks about them. The problem has been that I'm teaching during the time when the cafeteria is selling them. Because of my split schedule, half middle, half high school, I teach through the break time when the rolls are for sale. In yesterday's meeting about a low-performing student, I even told this to the administration, because a whole day had gone by since I had complained about something.

You know that fantasy where someone comes into the room and trades you your class time for a cinnamon roll? That totally happened today. And it was both of my assistant principals who came into class, one to present the cinnamon roll, the other to whip everyone into shape after the oohing and ahhhing had subsided. I'm telling you, I left that room so fast, with my Kindle and my warm, sticky cinnamon roll.

Did I mention that my school is hiring?




*I'm using the form as a third person singular neuter on purpose, so would you cool it, already?

What I Use Language For

A few weeks ago, I called a gas delivery company to get a refill for our portable, gas heater. I know enough French to express that I don't know French, and was soon connected with someone who speaks English. The delivery guy would be here within the hour.

That hour passed rather nervously for me, and it's because a man I don't know was going to come to my house, and I was going to have to be present while saying almost nothing because I don't know enough words.

When he arrived, he disengaged the empty tank with his wrench, and installed the new tank while I stood around doing nothing, saying nothing. Those are trying times for me, because if we spoke the same language, a few lines of small talk would have filled in that gap very tidily. I would have woven words around myself, covered myself up with them: a dreamy, big scarf.

As it was, I stood, completely present—a person and present—whether or not I wanted to be. I felt both ridiculous and real. So I've thought about it, and I find I have a few main uses for words:

1. I can hide using words. One day, a long time ago, when I first started to hate my body (it's been a love-hate relationship ever since), I began to think that if I just kept talking, no one would see me. I can make a joke, and suddenly it's not that I'm beautiful, but that you see something other than sweatpants-uncombed-Saturday-morning me.

2. I can make peace using words. Because of my high anxiety about Trump being president, I find myself talking about morals rather more often than usual. I find myself answering long messages on Facebook and on WhatsApp from equally anxious people, but anxious from another perspective. (And the perspectives I trust admit to being complicated.) So far, we've disengaged while remaining friends.

3. I can teach you how to use words using words. But only to a point. Teaching is hard, but it's getting better and better.

Praying on Vacation

Me 1: There's a lot of work to do. Time to get started!

Me 2: But right now, I said I would pray.

Me 1: You're terrible at praying. Leave that to the spiritual people. You're good at working. Come on.

Me 2: Thanks, you really think I'm good at something?

Me 1: If it means I can start doing something productive already! It's almost 9:30 AM, and I've done nothing!

Me 2: No. I'm staying. It's a vacation day; no one is expecting me; all I need to do right now is keep trying to listen to God. [Concentrates again on scripture.]

Me 1: You are so lazy.

Me 2: (to Me 1) Stop it. (to Jesus) Hi, Jesus. I had some trouble getting here today. Me 1 won't leave me alone. I have a lot to do, I guess. And if I don't do it right now, I don't know... maybe Me 1 will hate me. Or  maybe other people will hate me. You know how I don't want to be hated.

[Jesus looks at Me 1. Me 1 shrinks under the weight of the silence.]

Me 1: (nervously) Well, Jesus, tell her she has to get something done! Vacation isn't all about her, and being quiet, and sleeping... [She trails off, hearing herself, and seeing that vacation is actually about all those things.]

Me 1: I mean... sure, do all those things, and do all the other things.

Me 2: I just can't. I just can't. I don't feel safe if I'm always thinking of what I should be doing. And what will I lose if I am lazy? What will happen if all I do is sit here with my Bible open, trying to pray? What will happen, Jesus?

Jesus: (with feeling, to Me 1 and Me 2) Stay. Stay and try to talk with me. I look forward to your vacation, too. I have so much I want you to see and know, and the first is that you are welcome here. And you, you must be weary, too. Won't you rest?

[Me 1 melts into Me 2, disappearing, becoming whole.]

Lighthearted Reflections on 2016

New Year's Eve 2016 found me with people I hadn't known the year before, so of course, we didn't have a shared ritual or even a basic knowledge of each other's lives beyond the scope of the past few months. So we created a ritual that I hope to take up again and again. We asked questions and told stories! Here is an abbreviation of what I shared.

Where were you on NYE 2016?
-My living room, Casablanca

Who were you with on NYE 2016?
-Janine, Stacey, Bria

What was the hardest you laughed in 2016?
-Possibly, some conversation with Stacey and Caty Mac on the bus
-Or, possibly Abby falling onto an occupied air mattress while attempting to capsize it

What was the best moment of 2016?
-Crying in front of a Rothko with Kelly in Chicago

What was an embarrassing moment of 2016?
-when the H & H delivery guy called me "Claire" in front of my co-worker after flirting with me for a few minutes

What day in 2016 would you live over and over?
-one of any Sunday that included the following elements: WEMF, House of Pizza, hiking, friends

What was your favorite song of 2016?
-"Sorry" by Bieber (I'm conflicted as to whether or not to apologize for this being true. The irony.)

What was your favorite movie/show of 2016?
-"The West Wing" show
-"Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them" movie

Most memorable trip of 2016?
-Chicago with Krystle, Rachel, and Kelly
-Fez and Casa with Bethany, Janine, Sarah, and Derek

What was your biggest lesson of 2016?
-I have value as a person without doing anything more.

Who was the most influential person in your year?
-Betty

What was the bravest thing you did in 2016?
-Dating and breaking up

What was the kindest thing you did in 2016?
-... it's good to think on that one, but maybe not publish an answer, you know?

What was the best advice you gave, or the best conversation you had in 2016?
-SO MANY good conversations!
-I advised my seniors not to go straight to college. I'm waiting for parent emails to come in.