Qualifications

I have been filling out applications for teaching, then, per their request, attaching a resume that says  everything in the application.

I keep it professional for the most part, but in one particularly detailed application today, I was nearly to the final step when the form gave me an opening with some question like, "Is there anything else we should consider in the hiring process that this form has failed to ask about?"

There are so many other talents. Where do I even begin? I can do a plethora of things as a result of my former, less relevant job experience.

I can...

• stuff a cannoli
• crack two eggs at once
• haggle for a rug in a souk
• wrap gifts very neatly, including curling the ribbon
• count letters in words very quickly
• count money in a cash drawer or a safe very quickly
• alphabetize all the letters in a word (e.g. Carolyn --> aclnory)
• say words backwards
• drive stick shift
• backfloat very well
• pick out glasses that look great on your face
• call your insurance company about your benefits
• follow you around a corn maze if I think you're drunk
• spin cotton candy
• fry Oreos
• whip up pancake batter
• lead any of several get-to-know-you games
• clean a bathroom in 35 seconds or less
• sense when someone is talking about me in another language
• curse in Mandarin, Arabic, French, and Spanish
• tell you where any item belongs in the Waynesboro Kmart in summer 2007
• recite all verses of the "Found a Peanut" song, including alternate endings
• make a lox and cream cheese bagel to die for
• make an espresso using a standard machine
• memorize specials

And cats like me.